You know what’s hard?
Trying to stop “dieting” my life away and work through all my eating disorder tendencies while everyone in the world is talking about being healthy, and losing weight, and how just a few more pounds gone would be great.
I hear those things and think, “Yeah! I actually would like to lose a few more pounds.” This is exactly what I’m trying to get away from, but it’s so hard.
In an attempt to battle the years and years of restrictions, binges, and abuse I’ve done to my mind and body, I want to totally get away from the “diet” mentality. I’m doing this by making every food “okay.” Nothing is off limits. Right now, everything is healthy food. When I put certain foods on the bad list and only allow myself to have them on certain occasions or on “cheat days,” then when I actually let myself have those foods, it leads to bad thoughts. “Must eat all the bad food NOW before I go back to healthy eating tomorrow!” But, by taking away the “special” label on those certain foods and allowing myself to have them any time I want, then it makes them no different than a piece of fruit or a salad. When I know I can have any food I want any time I want, then I wont try to stuff my face with everything bad before it’s “too late.”
But again, this is so much harder than I thought it would be. Everyone around me is losing weight and going to the gym, while I’m feeling bloated and my pants are getting tighter. I keep trying to remind myself that any pound gained during this process will be worth it when I get my life back. When food, exercise, and being skinny isn’t constantly on my mind, and I can devote my thoughts and my time to the people and things I love, then I’ll feel normal again.
But it’s hard you guys. It really is. Looking in the mirror and feeling uncomfortable in clothes is not fun right now. It makes me feel horrible. Even just this morning I couldn’t give Chad my full attention when he was trying to tell me bye before work because I was so concerned with how dumpy and bad I looked in my clothes.
It’s hard to keep this thing up when it’s making me feel so bad about myself. I’m hoping and praying that I’ll have some kind of break through soon, and this challenge will get a little easier. Until then, it’s just a struggle.
I know this all sounds so depressing, but don’t worry. I do also have happy things going on in my life right now. Thanks for reading,