I actually meant to post this earlier, but forgot. Sorry!
I’m still over here working on this whole “no more diet” thing, but I’m still struggling. There are times when I feel good about what I’m doing, but a lot of times I get discouraged and feel like I’m just making things worse by eating what ever I want. I wake up every morning feeling bigger and bigger. So yeah, it’s a struggle. I’m just trying to give all my worries and anxiety over to God because I know He loves me enough to take it all. (By the way, how freaking awesome is that??)
I’m so used to being an “all or nothing” person, that it’s hard for me to find balance in being healthy and not dieting. If I’m eating healthy, then motivating myself to exercise isn’t as hard. I’m working towards a goal, and all of these things will help me reach that goal.
If I’m not eating healthy (ex. on vacation), then I don’t care if I exercise at all because I’ll start back to being healthy (and exercising) tomorrow, or next week. That’s been my mindset for the last 5 years, so it’s hard to break that mentality.
It’s also really hard to shake the guilt I feel after eating things that aren’t healthy. I usually wont feel this guilt until the morning (or a few hours after I eat), but when it does hit, it hits me hard. I hate that feeling, and poor Chad had to deal with me busting into tears the other morning because I just didn’t feel good about myself. He really is the best for dealing with me, and he knows how to make me feel better. I thank God for putting us together. 🙂
Wow. I have got to stop being so depressing on the blog. I’m usually not the kind of person to constantly write about her feelings, but today and the past few weeks, it was needed. Thanks for reading and for your encouraging words, both on the blog and in person. I just wanted to be completely honest about all of this. I would hate to act like everything was going fine when, in reality, it’s not. But that’s life, and I’ll get through it because I have awesome people surrounding me and supporting me along the way. Chad is definitely my #1 supporter. 🙂
Happy Friday!! 🙂
Hello, and happy Thursday! Hope your week has been good so far! 🙂 I want to back up a bit… well a lot, and catch you up on all that’s happened…
Friday was DATE NIGHT for me and Chad! 🙂 He planned it all out, and it was so sweet!
First up was dinner at Umi Japanese steakhouse. I ordered two boring sushi rolls (California and Alaskan) and had a ginger salad as well!
After dinner, we went down to the old train bridge that’s connected to the TVA trail that I run a lot. It was different walking across the bridge instead of running. 😉
We drove towards home afterwards but made a pit stop at Wendy’s first. Chad wanted to get us frosty’s for dessert, which was A-okay with me! I love frosty’s. Then he told me we were going to the park, and I couldn’t help but laugh a little. Not because it was funny, but because the park is where he proposed after dinner on our 3 year dating anniversary. He also had frosty’s delivered (by a friend) to the spot he had set sup. So basically, he was recreating our proposal. It was super cute.
We went home and layed in bed watching TV until we got tired. It was a perfect night! 🙂
I was supposed to run 10 miles, but because I had a super long meeting during the day and a 5 mile mud run scheduled for the afternoon, I decided to save this one for next Saturday (which is only supposed to be 7 miles).
Chad and I had a meeting from 8-1:30, which was good. Then, I rode with my fellow teammate Jessica to the race!
We had the very last wave of the day at 2:30. It was so so hot, but definitely worth it to get to experience this race! Our team plus 3 other guys ran with the coordinators of the race, and it was pretty cool to get to talk to them about the course throughout the race. I don’t have any kind of recap on this race. It was purely a fun experience for me. The course is supposed to be 5 miles, and it took us a little over an hour to finish. I don’t even care about time though because it was so. much. FUN! I can’t wait to do another one!
Saturday night, Chad and I went to Casa with Drew, Suzanne, Rick, and Kayla. Then we all went to Mom’s house to hang out and annoy her and Dad. 😉
Lunch and Mom’s
Nap/binge watch episodes of The Office on Netflix
Mexican for dinner again.
…..pretty much my typical Sunday.
3 mile run in pitch black darkness and 94% humidity. YES.
WORK 7:30-3:00 which is fun of course but completely draining.
Cheer practice until 4:30. Love those girls, but they were crazy on Monday. haha Not in a bad way, just super hyper.
Home to cook dinner. Wait whhhhaaaaaa????? Did you say cook dinner??
YES! I cooked dinner. haha It was just a simple chicken stir fry using a bag of frozen veggies, but after a day like yesterday, it was a wonder I found the strength to put the skillet on the stove.
Chad and I both ended the night with a bowl (or two) of frosted mini
wheats spooners. We like the off brand.
I think Monday caught up with me, because I skipped my run and slept until almost 6:00. I never sleep that late on a weekday. I’m usually up at least by 5:30 even when I don’t workout, so I knew I was tired.
I got ready quick and fixed a breakfast that I haven’t had in a long time. Greek yogurt! I picked up some containers of plain Chobani and topped one with granola and some almond butter this morning. I had also mixed in some sugar free maple syrup to make it a little sweeter because plain Greek yogurt can be sour tasting. It was so good! But I’ve been bad about taking pictures lately, so I’ve got nothin’ for you, sorry. 😦
Cheer practice until 4:30
Dinner was stuffed peppers!
I stuffed them with a mixture of quinoa, shredded chicken, and black beans.
They were good, but sadly, I found out that Chad doesn’t care for quinoa. More for me! 🙂
Woke up late and missed a workout AGAIN. What is wrong with me?? I’m having the hardest time getting up in the mornings!
Breakfast: Oatmeal, blueberries, and almond butter.
Cheer practice until 4:00
Gym to fit in the run that I missed on Tuesday.
Church. We had a Duck Dynasty themed service tonight. Don’t ask why, lol. It turned out pretty awesome though!
Home to crash into bed.
I think I’m all caught up now. I’ll be better about pictures next time so that these posts aren’t boring. 😉
My emotions are alllllll over the place these days. (No, I’m not pregnant) But I did feel like I need to talk a little bit about the good in my life to reassure everyone that I’m not depressed. 🙂
I have plenty of times when I’m feeling down and discouraged, but I’ve also been having random, overwhelming feelings of freedom and happiness.
Even though my life is busier than ever, I feel okay. Thinking back to one year ago, if I would have had this much going on, I would be SO stressed out about missing my workouts (from sleeping in because I was up late at a JV football game for example), not having time to make healthy dinners at home, etc.
But, since I’m working on myself and trying to live a little more of a normal life, these things don’t stress me out as much. Actually, I think it’s making my life seem more exciting. I’m even feeling happier throughout the day at work because every day there’s something different. I don’t wake, workout, go to work, go home, cook dinner, go to bed, all at the same time anymore. It changes just about every day.
I’m not saying that I enjoy not being able to cook dinner for me and Chad every night though (the last time I cooked was over a week ago). It’s just that I feel like I’m doing more in my life than just being healthy.
So with all of that said, here are 5 things in my life that are awesome! 🙂
Even if I miss a day at the gym, I won’t miss a day of running! I’m really loving it right now, and I’m even getting used to not having music. With all the stuff I’ve got going on, it’s a time for me to just be quiet and alone with my thoughts.
I did 4 miles yesterday morning (in pitch black darkness if you can’t tell) in my new pair of Mizuno Inspires. My left foot is still feeling kind of funky and going a little numb, but I’m going to try them out one more time this weekend (and loosen the laces) to see if they work. If not, then I’ll send them back and order them a half size bigger, but I really want these to work!!
Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day for running. I’ve got a 10 mile long run on my training plan, but I’ve also signed up for a 5 mile mud run called The River Bottom Romp. It’s just like all those other mud runs/warrior dashes where you run through mud and water, go through obstacles, and all that jazz. My team is made up of some fellow GWT teachers, so it should be a pretty fun race. I just hope I can keep up with them after a 10 miler! (Maybe I’ll scale back my morning run a bit? Thoughts?)
Spending Time with Family
Sunday lunches, watching football together, sibling hang-outs, Labor Day get-together, etc. All this time spent with my family is making me seriously happy. 🙂
My Church Family
Nothing puts me in a better mood than being at church and worshiping God with people I love. I love that I got to sing with Drew this past Sunday during our Awaken service. While singing “Blessings,” the lyrics just kind of hit me and got me all choked up at the end. It was a little embarrassing to cry while I was singing, but the message I got from the song was well worth it. 🙂
Rest from Workouts
I know that getting my workouts in this week would have been great, but I sure did enjoy getting some extra sleep on the morning I was supposed to go to the gym. 🙂
Chad, duh 😉
I really don’t even have the words to describe how awesome this guy is. 🙂 He hasn’t had a cooked meal in over a week and hasn’t complained to me once. He washes the dishes for me when he can and keeps the house clean when I won’t. 😉 He tells me every day that I’m beautiful and makes me feel loved. And most important, he waits until I get home to watch the “Threat Level Midnight” episode of The Office. I just love that guy. 🙂
So, even though things are pretty hard right now, I still have plenty of awesome to keep me going. Thank you so much for your comments, Facebook messages, texts, etc. Knowing that there are people reading this and reaching out to help me is so encouraging! You guys are awesome! I guess that makes six awesome things for Friday. 😉
You know what’s hard?
Trying to stop “dieting” my life away and work through all my eating disorder tendencies while everyone in the world is talking about being healthy, and losing weight, and how just a few more pounds gone would be great.
I hear those things and think, “Yeah! I actually would like to lose a few more pounds.” This is exactly what I’m trying to get away from, but it’s so hard.
In an attempt to battle the years and years of restrictions, binges, and abuse I’ve done to my mind and body, I want to totally get away from the “diet” mentality. I’m doing this by making every food “okay.” Nothing is off limits. Right now, everything is healthy food. When I put certain foods on the bad list and only allow myself to have them on certain occasions or on “cheat days,” then when I actually let myself have those foods, it leads to bad thoughts. “Must eat all the bad food NOW before I go back to healthy eating tomorrow!” But, by taking away the “special” label on those certain foods and allowing myself to have them any time I want, then it makes them no different than a piece of fruit or a salad. When I know I can have any food I want any time I want, then I wont try to stuff my face with everything bad before it’s “too late.”
But again, this is so much harder than I thought it would be. Everyone around me is losing weight and going to the gym, while I’m feeling bloated and my pants are getting tighter. I keep trying to remind myself that any pound gained during this process will be worth it when I get my life back. When food, exercise, and being skinny isn’t constantly on my mind, and I can devote my thoughts and my time to the people and things I love, then I’ll feel normal again.
But it’s hard you guys. It really is. Looking in the mirror and feeling uncomfortable in clothes is not fun right now. It makes me feel horrible. Even just this morning I couldn’t give Chad my full attention when he was trying to tell me bye before work because I was so concerned with how dumpy and bad I looked in my clothes.
It’s hard to keep this thing up when it’s making me feel so bad about myself. I’m hoping and praying that I’ll have some kind of break through soon, and this challenge will get a little easier. Until then, it’s just a struggle.
I know this all sounds so depressing, but don’t worry. I do also have happy things going on in my life right now. 🙂 Thanks for reading,
First, thank you to my friends who commented on Wednesday’s post! You’re encouraging words helped more than you know! 🙂 I want to talk a little more about my feelings on that issue, but first here’s a little randomness from yesterday.
Yesterday morning I went out for a run. I usually only run 3 miles on a weekday morning (because that’s all the time I have before work), but this morning I did 4! My marathon training plan is starting to call for longer weekday runs, so I’m trying to make sure I get up early enough to do some longer runs before work.
Since my Pure Flows seem to be giving my feet and joints some problems, I decided to pull out my Brooks Ravenna’s. I bought them a half size too small over a year ago, and didn’t realize it until it was too late to return them. So I’ve only run a few miles in them. I knew that they would be a little tight, but I hoped they would help my arches and knees not hurt during the run. They did a pretty good job! I felt good during most of the run, aside from them being a little tight. I know I wont be able to keep training in them, but hopefully they can get me through a few runs until I buy new shoes.
I’m still thinking on the comments from Wednesday and trying to figure out exactly what I’m going to do to help myself.
The first thing I need to do is quit worrying so much and just give it up to God. It’s funny how easily I forget to take things to Him. He wants us to have peace and enjoy life, so why wouldn’t we take every little problem to Him for help and guidance? It’s comforting to know that all I have to do is ask, and He will provide! 🙂
I really loved Alex’s advice to take a break from fitness and over-thinking my food. I don’t want to completely break away from exercise though, because I still plan on running the marathon in December. So, I definitely need to keep up my training, but I am trying to ease up at the gym.
My weekly workouts usually look like this:
- Monday- Strength
- Tuesday- Run
- Wednesday- Strength
- Thursday- Run
- Friday- Strength
- Saturday- Run
- Sunday- Rest
I’ve been pretty motivated to run with the marathon looming over my head, but getting to the gym has been a little harder. Then, when I miss a workout, I feel like I’ve hurt my chances at getting stronger/burning fat/toning/etc. So, Chad and I decided to cut our strength training down to 2 days a week, and I’m going to use the other day to do another run since I’m loving my runs lately. Hopefully it will keep me from feeling burnt out with the gym AND help with marathon training.
As far as food, I know that I need to stop counting calories again. I did this about a year ago with a week-long challenge that ended up lasting almost a year. Then over the summer, I gained some weight because of vacations and travels. I decided to count my calories again in hopes of fitting back into my pants. lol It went well for a few weeks, but then the food stress and binging thoughts came back full force, thus leading to all the negative thoughts.
I’ve been reading about ways to let go of the “diet” mentality, and all roads lead to eating what you want when you want. It sounds pretty unhealthy at first because basically I’m saying that if I want cookies all day every day, then I can eat them. It sounds like I’m going to gain a ton of weight that way. It’s kind of scary, but the health professionals that promote this way of eating as a recovery tool say that it only takes a few days or weeks before you don’t even want those “bad” foods anymore. They’re no longer off limits, so they wont send you into an eating frenzy after one bite. If you can have any food any time you want, then you don’t worry about eating it all before you go back on your diet the next day. BECAUSE THERE IS NO DIET… There’s just eating food when you’re hungry. Or even just eating a cookie when you want it.
I’m going to give this a try and see what happens. I know that I need to stick with it for at least a few weeks before trying something different. But, I’m hoping that this works. I just want to live a life that’s healthy, but not a life that’s revolved around food and exercise.
Thanks for sticking with me through all my crazy thoughts. I know it seems insane to still be dealing with things like this after all the years. But that’s exactly why I’m still dealing with it… it’s been years of different methods of dieting and restriction with a few months of normal eating thrown in. It takes a while to reverse what I’ve done to my body and brain.
We have our first football game tonight at home, so Chad and I are planning on our usual Friday night Casa dinner date before heading to the game!
HAPPY FRIDAY!!! 🙂
You’ve heard of “What I Ate Wednesday”… well this is “WHY? WEDNESDAY”
have I lost any and all motivation to go to the gym??
Chad and I recently skipped 3 workouts in a row and finally went back to the gym this morning. I was still feeling super unmotivated to go, but I thought that maybe if I just forced myself to go this once, it would spark a little more motivation for next time.
Well it was a tough workout because we hadn’t been in a while, so we know now that skipping the “New Rules” workouts will end up making them even harder the next time. There’s a little motivation right there.
is running all of a sudden killing my arches and knees??
I knew my PureFlows were getting old, but geez. The pain started last week, and every run seems to be just a little more painful than the last. I’d say I’ve put a little over 300 miles on these shoes, which according to the Brooks website, is more than enough for the PureFlows.
I’m thinking about trying Mizuno’s Wave Rider 16, because I wore the 15s to train for my first half and loved them! The only thing I didn’t like was the weight. Compared to my Brooks, the Riders are heavy. But, I heard the 16s are lighter?
I do love the PureFlows though and am eyeing the PF2s (I have the first edition PF). I’m just scared they may not have enough support for marathon training. #FirstWorldProblems
do I feel like a parent when I don’t have any kids yet??
Sunday night some of our youth came up to me at our church picnic to ask if they could all come over to swim. Of course I didn’t mind, but having all these teenage boys swimming/screaming/acting crazy at our hosue made me feel like a mom.
does Pierre feel the need to roll around on a dead animal causing us to have to give him a bath right before bed??
Fuzzy little trouble maker.
do people not think they should silence their phones while playing games in a quiet doctor’s office??
Yesterday. I can’t even.
can’t my life just slow down a little??
I feel like my days are going by so fast because of how busy I am, and I can’t get everything done that I’d like to without staying up way past a decent bed time.
I wake up at 4:30 during the week, so if I’m not in the bed by 9:00, it’s bad news. The past few days I’ve stayed up longer than I should, and it’s made getting up in the morning HARD.
can I not just be happy with myself?
I’m so tired of trying to be fit and tone and perfect. There are times when I think to myself that life would be better if I stopped the madness and quit worrying about eating healthy, working out, and looking a certain way. Then I look at myself and do the whole “pick apart every imperfection” thing and make myself feel terrible. “How can I stop eating healthy and working out when I look like this?” It’s a vicious cycle you guys.
At the doctor yesterday, the nurse said my weight out loud when I was on the scale, and I teared up when she left the room. How stupid am I??
did I decide to wear heels to work today??
MY FEET ARE DEAD.
HAPPY WEDNESDAY!! 🙂
Lots of running!
I PR’d and won my age group in the Sunset Run 5k! Time: 27:40! First time breaking 28 min!
Matching Rick and Kayla at church. “I’m blue dabadeedabadaaa”
Still doing New Rules of Lifting for Abs! Sometimes there’s 10 minutes of burpees, other times it’s 10 minutes of kettlebell swings. Either way, it’s torture.
Been hanging out with my favorite buddy a lot. 🙂
Plenty of doctor visits to figure out what’s wrong with my stomach
Getting my classroom ready at GWT! Music starts next week! 🙂
Getting certified to coach. I never knew cheerleading coaches had to do this?
DREW CAME HOME FROM MICHIGAN!!!!! 🙂
Su and Lucy were pretty happy.
Even though this doesn’t really cover everything that’s happened over the last 3 weeks, it’s at least enough to catch up. ********** Last night was an event called Meet the Tigers. Each player for all the fall sports teams gets their name called out, and then there’s a pep rally after to kick off the fall season. My cheerleaders performed and helped varsity during the pep rally. They did so good! I was like a proud momma. lol Tonight is our football jamboree, so it’s technically the first “game” that we’re cheering at. It’ll be a crazy night because after the jamboree, I’m going straight to the church to get ready for our annual “Back to School Lock-In.” Like last year, we’re going about an hour away to P3 Family Fun Center for hours and hours of laser tag, glow golf, arcade games, go carts, and FOOD. haha Let’s hope the other chaperons and I can make it through the night with 100 kids. Because I’ll be sleeping a lot on Saturday, my long run is moved to Sunday. It’s a cutback week anyway, so all I’ve got to do is 5 miles. No problem. Happy Friday! 🙂